World Cup 2010 Update: Germany’s Mannschaft

Well I have had time to recover from my home countries performance against the mighty Mannschaft (that’s right, they call themselves the Mannschaft).
I have read all of the reports and watched the game again in the cold light of day. A lot of press in Aus is calling for Pim Verbeek’s head for not playing The Spaniard Harry Kewell or J. Kennedy, or even Bresciano for that matter. A lot of the press have blamed the Red card on Tim Cahill and the obvious hand ball that the Mexican ref dismissed in true Man United Old Trafford style.

But having watched the game again I realised that these obvious failings by ref and manager had absolutely no effect whatsoever on the result. The brutally honest truth is simple: The Mannschaft drove their shiny silver BMW down Friedrichstraße in down town Berlin, coerced the Australian team into the back seat of the car with polished English Gramma and a soft scent of cologne; drove the Aussie team in silence to the East side of town where in the midst of an industrial waste land, they rapped on a large iron trap door three times; a midget holding a candle and a white albino cat opened the door and escorted the Aussie team into a dark pit surrounded by large wooden benches where the Mannschaft’s extended squad sat in alphabetical order by order of surname, and proceeded to watch as a dozen large naked German skin heads with fascist tattoos proceeded to rotate the Aussie team one by one 90 degrees, removed all clothing from the waste down, enforced a touch your toes policy and feasted on the milky flesh of the unplucked prostates raised to the heavens.

Australia was a lamb to the slaughter to a German team that played probably as well as their current squad could. The first goal was a world cup classic and completely threw the Australian game plan into chaos. I stated before the game that it was a privilege to play the Mannschaft, and I stand by that and extrapolate. It was an absolute privilege to get rear ended by Die Mannschaft.

Now on to other matters. A lot of football has been played already and here is my synopsis of the first five day of the cup:

Group A – Mexico was absolutely brilliant for the first twenty minutes against South Africa, and was absolutely terrible for the entire second half. They will have to improve considerably to get amongst the big teams. I despise South Africa and want them to lose immediately, not because I have anything against the team itself, I despise South Africa because they have allowed those god forsaken plastic trumpets into all matches and they do my head in every time I turn the TV on. Uruguay and France CAN NOT win the World cup. Talk about a waste of time. I haven’t lived in Europe for a long time now and I rarely watch Barcelona, but how can Thierry Henry not get on the ground until practically injury time. For the Aussies out there, when Henry was in the Premier league, he used to average the equivalent of around 170 supercoach points every match without fail (he used to cost about $1,000,000 to buy though)

Group B – Argentina cruised past Nigeria and should have probably scored 6. They will be in second gear until the round 16 and will focus solely on staying away from the dreaded yellow card for the remainder of the qualifications (tell me you saw Maradonna lacing that free kick in training into the top corner). Greece was as bad as, if not worse than Australia. I actually can’t believe Greece is in the world cup and Ireland missed out. I refuse to acknowledge Korea because Greece was so bad.

Group C – England hit by the injury curse; England not having a left sided midfielder; calamity at the back by the England Keeper… It must be World Cup time. Back England to top their group, smash whoever they play in the round of 16, and go out on penalties in the quarters (Rooney, Gerrard or Terry will get a red card in the quarter final). Slovenia and Algeria………….. All I remember is the terrible effort by the goal keeper.

Group D – Germany will win the world cup; will not miss a penalty and will invent the first ever automobile that runs on used MacDonald’s wrappers. Australia will hit back and beat Ghana who wins the celebration of the world cup so far with their dancing train that completely plagiarised “The Macarena”. Serbia’s world cup is over. They will lose easily to Germany and that will be it.

Group E – Holland did what they had to do to win, but they did not display the same quality and speed of the Mannschaft. Without Robben, they looked a bit like a one trick pony with Sneijder creating a world cup record for most shots off target by any player in history (with 231). Japan beat Cameroon, I did not watch the game but the goal to the back post was solid enough. They definitely celebrated like they had just won the final.

Group D – Italy and Paraguay was a bit of a snooze and previous emails have covered that one pretty well. I am not going to right off Italy though as they always seem to be there and there about when it matters, and the Roman Aqua Ducts were and still are the greatest man made invention since the Pyramids (can you imagine being the person that invented a way of transporting water so you could build a town inland… think about it). New Zealand achieved a most remarkable point from Slovakia. New Zealand’s goal was pretty much the last touch of the match and must go down as one of the greatest moments in New Zealand sporting history.

Group F – Enter Eminem from stage left. Takes Mike from Gangster and turns to the DJ; “Yo player, spin that s#$t”….. Phat beat starts to rumble out of the sound system, Eminem turns to the crowd, clear his throat and begins to chant….

“Yes he’s back…. Back again…. Drogba’s back…. Tell a friend….”

And finally, in keeping with tradition of adding a picture at the end of every post, here is real, un-airbrushed photo of Ronaldo…


The above is written by Dylan Evans, a friend of

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